my life

the stranger

its been about 2 months now. and well it has been a rollercoaster of emotions. 

lets start from the beginning. when i finally came back to treehouse chris and jaimie both had disturbing news to tell me. at the time i just wanted to hear about anything and everything about him. even though they didnt feel like i was ready to hear it i insisted them to tell me. that day i found out that he has already been sleeping around with other girls less that a MONTH of our break up. he was loving his single life and what not. this broke my heart even more. of course i cried. then i hated him again. how else was i suppose to take the news?.. but i did want to hear it and i wanted to know at the time. 

after the news i just couldnt believe how fast he was moving on. i mean 2 years is a long time for me to just forget. but i guess it was just so easy for him to do. well school started and i kept myself consumed with friends, school, and whatever else i can think of. 

then finally i told kristine about what i just found out. and well i guess she felt she had to tell me something too. and well of course i wanted to know. she sent me a pic of him and this other chic. of course i freaked out. on FACEBOOK really?. why?. that soon?. so i would check the pic out and see who this new girl was. 

well she was obivously from work. from his new work. of course. why didnt i think of that. but damn already???.. i was hurt.. again. then thats when i realized why the hell am i keeping tabs on him?… why the hell do i want to know what he is doing now. i just want to be forgetting about him.. and well i did. i let everyone know i just dont care and dont want to know what the hell he is doing. its hurting me and not helping me move on with my life. 

so its done.

or so i thought. 

because of this new information i just didnt know how to handle it. and i felt everyone was tired of me bringing this up. i kept it in for a long time. i was bitter and hurt. how everything was just thrown away like a pair of shoes. it was horrible. i was trying to be strong but i couldnt anymore. 

then it happen : my birthday came up and tell me why he had to message me happy birthday?.. WHY?.. i never answered. but i was angry!.. the last thing i wanted was to think about him. and he MESSAGED ME.. how cruel is he!.. so i couldnt take it.. i finally blew up

right before my party i had down time to hang out with kevin and jaimie at home and thats when i spilled, i cried, i yelled, and let everything go. everything i was holding in. it felt good, i was embarassed but they knew i needed to do it. 

talkking to them helped me out alot. it helped me to finally realize that i would NEVER get that closure i ever wanted. and it wouldnt do me any good anyways. i might just get hurt again. my closure was seeing that picture. i knew it was done and over with. there was no turning back but to now move forward and to forget that love i thought i had for him.. 

what happened to him?. why did he end up being such a douche at the end?. breaking up with me online?! really after the way his ex broke up with him i would think he would have some courtesy to know any better. he has seriously changed. kick me to the curb, already with a new girl. i just dont know who he is anymore. and im glad he is out of my life. A complete stranger now. 

 i hung out with denise and jey and told them everything that has happened. caught up and what not. and truly found out. that the week he started work he prolly diid meet that girl. and honestly not even a week in his new job he broke it off with me. so maybe he already had something with her while we were still togehter.. but that i will never know. and i dont think i would ever want to know. 

then finally me and diana hung out and she told me that she saw him holding hands with another girl at work. once he saw her he let go of his girls’ hand and felt he needed to tell diana. what she told me: that he was to YOUNG for our relationship thats why we broke up.. MY ASS.. but i love diana cause she knew straight up thaat what he did was stupid and wrong and confronted him then and there. saying: no u didnt fight for her, thats what happened. and when he said he messaged me on fb for my birthday greeting she said but why?.. his answer.. cuz we were together for 2 years.. she said no.. yea u were together for 2 years. and now look at u with another girl. what about that. diana is tough but i love how real she was. and im super happy to have her as my friend. she knws whats right from wrong. i could only thank her for standing up for me which i know that many of his friends never did. or even our mutual friends ever did . i felt that no one ever talked any sense to him. but i guess it is a good thing. cuz why would i want to end up with a guy like him?.. i know better now. i know what i want and who i dont want 

he is a complete stranger to me. what we had was fake. it wasnt real or true love. because of u,  u made our last 2 years together worthless. 

the reminiscing

these past couple of days especially christmas i have been a bit emo. even though im slowly moving on and keeping busy.. i cnt help but think about him and wonder how he is taking things. 

christmas eve i was pretty good and my none of my family asked for his whereabouts. however when it came time to do secret santa.. thats when it sunk in again. no one still mentioned him or anything. but i was drunkish and well got super sad knowing that he was part of it. or that he could have been there with me. after secret santa it just went downhill from there. i secluded myself from the cousins. sat by myself and of course looked miserable… even my dad told me “not to be sad and go eat some soup”.. and noel kept coming to me and comforting me but i was gone already in deep thought and miserable. thank goodness i was able to just sleep it off.. 

however, i just still cant brush it off that he still till this day hasnt called or checked up on me.. was i that much of a pain to him?.. wasnt i the one who got hurt? who got dumped online?. why cant he just check up on me?.. why doesnt he want any closure?. why did he give up on us?.. why did he stop fighting for me?. why did he let this happen?. 

stupid me started reading through his tumblr and basically it was all about me from ages ago. but reading through it, it seemed he was so much in love me and wouldnt let anything happen between us. but it was all a lie. he broke that promise. i mean i know now i deserve better but it hurts. how much i did for him how much i put my time into him and helped him be where he is now. and him to just kick me off to the curb when he is settled and at a good part of his life where he honestly doesnt need me anymore. was he just using me? was it just all for show?.. why did he have to end things the way he did. why couldnt he be a man a gentleman and jus talk to me in person?. why online? why over the computer?. and yet still no closure?.. i thought he was better than this. i thought i deserve more from him than a stupid break up online. 

i miss him. but i wont be the one to call him and check up on him. i gave him my all the last time we talked and he shut me down. i cnt have him do that to me again. 

this is so hard. i gave my heart to him and he just threw it away like it was nothing.