the reminiscing
these past couple of days especially christmas i have been a bit emo. even though im slowly moving on and keeping busy.. i cnt help but think about him and wonder how he is taking things.
christmas eve i was pretty good and my none of my family asked for his whereabouts. however when it came time to do secret santa.. thats when it sunk in again. no one still mentioned him or anything. but i was drunkish and well got super sad knowing that he was part of it. or that he could have been there with me. after secret santa it just went downhill from there. i secluded myself from the cousins. sat by myself and of course looked miserable… even my dad told me “not to be sad and go eat some soup”.. and noel kept coming to me and comforting me but i was gone already in deep thought and miserable. thank goodness i was able to just sleep it off..
however, i just still cant brush it off that he still till this day hasnt called or checked up on me.. was i that much of a pain to him?.. wasnt i the one who got hurt? who got dumped online?. why cant he just check up on me?.. why doesnt he want any closure?. why did he give up on us?.. why did he stop fighting for me?. why did he let this happen?.
stupid me started reading through his tumblr and basically it was all about me from ages ago. but reading through it, it seemed he was so much in love me and wouldnt let anything happen between us. but it was all a lie. he broke that promise. i mean i know now i deserve better but it hurts. how much i did for him how much i put my time into him and helped him be where he is now. and him to just kick me off to the curb when he is settled and at a good part of his life where he honestly doesnt need me anymore. was he just using me? was it just all for show?.. why did he have to end things the way he did. why couldnt he be a man a gentleman and jus talk to me in person?. why online? why over the computer?. and yet still no closure?.. i thought he was better than this. i thought i deserve more from him than a stupid break up online.
i miss him. but i wont be the one to call him and check up on him. i gave him my all the last time we talked and he shut me down. i cnt have him do that to me again.
this is so hard. i gave my heart to him and he just threw it away like it was nothing.
